It may have been days after but I could still feel the heaviness of my eyes -
not because of the lack of sleep - but because of the amount of tears I cried
over the weekend for the B1G (BeOnewithGod) 11 Leadership Conference.
Last
year, I attended the same retreat but only as a participant. I was greatly
swept over by God's amazing love and how he desires for every Christ-committed
follower to be instrumental in sharing the Gospel. This year was a
totally different experience as I worked behind-the-scenes... and truly,
it is when we step back we see even more the wonderful hand of a
mighty God.
Truth
be told, I was a bit hesitant volunteering in the beginning. I knew what
it would entail - time, sweat, tears and effort. However, after much
prayer, God impressed in my heart to volunteer full-time and whatever worries I
had that time, He would make sure everything will be fine.
It
hadn't been easy. I lived for three months without receiving a
paycheck and while still trying to do ministry and assume household
responsibilities. I did worry about my finances, but I was
assured God will pull me through. And He did as I've shared in my blog
entry, "Walk on Water (Part 2)". However,
beginning the month of November, I was struck with dengue.
The
fever began on the 5th, but intensified the following day.
(I was feeling very cold in spite of the heat. I had difficulty moving
my knees and I had intense headache that reached until my eyes.) My
parents, being suspicious that it was already dengue, took me to a health
clinic to have my blood examined. My
platelets remained within the range, but my white blood cells
(WBC) were low. The doctor didn't want to rule out dengue, so he advised me to
conduct another blood test the next day.
It
was a Sunday, and I thought my fever had gone down, so I stopped
drinking medicine. However, I felt a pain above my stomach and
eventually vomited. That afternoon, the fever was back and my parents
already rushed me to the hospital. After much tests (and
needles), I was confirmed to have dengue and had to be confined for
monitoring.
When
the doctor told me the news, I couldn't help but cry. I couldn't help
but be afraid. I was afraid that it may come to worse, because the
danger still lingered. But when I was lying down in my room, I
thought of a short prayer and told God,
"Father,
may You be glorified in this situation."
And indeed, He was. There was just this indescribable peace in my
heart. Three days after, I was out of the hospital without any further
complications.
As one of our speakers pointed out, Jesus washed ALL of His disciples' feet - yes, including Judas Iscariot, who was about to betray Him! I was mind-blown! How could the King of kings and Lord of lords still choose to serve even the one who will cause so much pain to Him? But that's the way He is. His love is unconditional that even in our imperfection and sinfulness, He would still choose to shower us with His grace and serve us. Would we do the same?
What
I went through for the past months added more meaning to my experience in B1G
11. I've experienced His grace and His faithfulness moment-by-moment, and it's
overwhelming remember all these while I was at the conference. More so, I
remembered I committed in B1G 10 of discipling single women. But in a
span of a year, God exceeded my prayers and gave me three wonderful
college girls (and is still giving me more!). As of writing this post, one
has already expressed a desire to form a discipleship group in her school.
It's amazing how God grants our desire to follow Him and
obey Him.
Working
behind the scenes, I was immensely blessed to see a touching and beautiful
sight of leaders, who are so selfless to others and so passionate for
God. In one of the activities, I couldn't help but just hug, cry and
thank them for demonstrating to me Christ's love in their own
unique way and for inspiring me to do the same to other people. (To my friends and new-found
friends who are reading this, I love you dearly. Let's continue to passionately
serve the Lord together.)
Oftentimes
when we read a chapter in the Bible, we only glance over the first verse. But
in John 13:1, Jesus had set everything in order:
It
was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus
knew that the hour had come for
him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having
loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (NIV)
These
are the stories behind the tears I've shed so much in the retreat. But the
greatest reason of all was the wonderful presence filled in that place and immense
love of God displayed through His Son, Jesus Christ. Through this
retreat, God made me realize that He made me to point all glory,
honor and praise to Him. He made me to make a vessel of His love and
grace to other people. But at the same time, He unmade me to know how
much broken, empty and desperate I am without Him.
I
would like to end this post with lyrics from one of the songs we
sang. Its words are so beautiful that singing this would seem like a
prayer.
Your statutes are my heritage forever
To all creation I can see a limit
All Your ways are loving and are faithful
To all creation I can see a limit
I will seek You in the morning
May
my prayer like incense rise before You
The
lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh
Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For
I know there is mercy in Your sight
My
heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please
still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let love keep my will upon its knees
Oh
God, You are my God
And
I will ever praise You
Oh
God, You are my God
And
I will ever praise You
But
Your commands are boundless and have none
So
Your Word is my joy and meditation
From
the rising to the setting of the sun
The
road is narrow but Your burden light
Because
You gladly lean to lead the humble
I
shall gladly kneel to leave my pride
But
Your commands are boundless and have none
So
Your Word is my joy and meditation
From
the rising to the setting of the sun
I
will learn to walk in Your ways
And
step by step You'll lead me
And
I will follow You all of my days
#LetsAllFightfortheTowel
