So here I go again – starting another blog, struggling what to write about, and then abandoning it. I have been stuck in that cycle for years. My first blog only lasted for a year (I think), but my entries followed a horrible timeline. I can’t remember when I started it or how I ended it (but I’m pretty sure I was in high school then). The second was a more recent attempt. Unfortunately, I only managed to post two entries until I misspelled my new password and lost all access to it (including my former e-mail).
I knew I had a problem. And I only knew what it was when I expressed my envy to one of my friend bloggers through a comment on Facebook. She answered, “Cheska, you’re a writer. You can write about anything!”
It is ironic that I, a journalism student, DON’T keep a journal or a blog. The last time I kept a diary was when I was in elementary. One time, I read a list of pointers for journalism students. It included having a writing “outlet” – other than academic papers – that will help foster writing skills and creativity. Obviously, to become a better writer you have to write, write and write.
And I don’t do that.
Should I consider myself a “writer”? No. I only write articles that are meant to be submitted in class. For me, to write is to do homework. Though I am rewarded with good grades, I do not embody of how a writer should be.
So the questions remain unanswered...
“Why can’t I blog?”
“How come other people do it so easily?”
“What is really my problem?”
And then it hit me. I was afraid of being vulnerable.
For me, a blog - especially a personal blog - is a dissection of a person’s mind. And through the use of the internet, a person becomes an open book for anyone who would come across it. I never really like talking about myself, of course, unless I’m being asked to or I need to. This complex is probably a bitter aftermath of my experiences in the past. I trusted people – became vulnerable to them – but they hurt me in the end. I did not grow up to be some heartless, revengeful person, but I struggled getting closer to other people.
This time, I want to change things – beginning with a blog. Rather than a writing outlet, this blog would be my vulnerability channel. Maybe, I can also think of it as way of really growing up (since I just turned 20). I usually keep things to myself, but now I would like to share them to other people. I now would like to think that vulnerability isn’t being weak. Rather, it is having the courage to show who you really are and allowing others to accept you. Weakness is one thing, vulnerability is another.
(This is a challenge to myself. At the same time, this is also my New Year’s Resolution.)
